Jason X: The Spasoning
Welcome to Spason.space, a website dedicated to the movie “Jason X”,
sometimes called “Jason in space” and for this website we will call it
“Spason” (a combination of the two word “Jason" and “space"). We here at
the office firmly believe that Spason is the third greatest
non- film of all time, behind Sharknado and Children of the
Corn IV Urban Harvest.
Keep reading for spoilers or don't. I got your click, I don't care. I'll be starting this from memory so you know…
So the movie starts off with this human talking about how Jason (earth Jason) is like unkillable or something and she's arguing with these military guys who want Jason's body for some kind of experiment, I think it had . Anyway this human ends up getting chased by Jason because he escapes. Jason kills the army dudes and then he Chases the woman into like this cryogenic chamber and he stabs her, but like she freezes too when he freezes because he cut through the chamber. So 400 years later they find and Jason. By they I mean this group of space explorers. Think Star trek meets the Marines from alien, but lamer. So anyway they unfreeze human and she tries to warn them about jason but they say that jason is totally dead or whatever so it’s cool (get it…. cool? Cryogenetics. which is cool. like cold. like space. which is cold. ). Anyway Jason unfreeze and brines a woman’s head open by dipping it into liquid nitrogen (i was brining a chicken and my cat drank it and projectile vomited. hes fine and so is the chicken which was delicious), which I guess is pretty metal.
Next these two weirdos who were supposed to be in the area where Jason was being unfrozen (like a bag of peas) and the lights turned blue and marvin Gaye starts singing. Jason fucking stabs one of the two right in the fucking spine. Jason drags him off and he is presumed dead. The lady screams and runs off and Jason doesn’t stab her for some reason.
So anyway there is this shiny headed space marine who reminded me of this bailiff i saw in court with JUDGE GENE WILDER. I don’t remember his name but I will just call him marine. Dude is ripped, he also did some voice work for Dead Space, the guy’s real name is Peter Mensah, but I call him “marine” because he is and a marine. So basically he wants to kill spacon because I guess he is also a psycho? So he gets his team of , robots and Todd to go and fight spacon. So I'll cut to the chase, they all die boring deaths. Like most of them just get stabbed. It's kinda disappointing but I think it's a budget thing. Like no creativity though. I remember in the remake of Friday the 13th (Not to be confused with the movie Friday starring Ice Cube) they were creative like they roasted a girl over a fucking campfire in a sleeping bag. Not in this shit though… just dab dab dab.
The pilot then calls for help and puts out a distress beacon. Then they all meet up and run into a room and the captain stares down spacon. It is pretty metal and you can feel the emotion of mild panic as the captain begs for his life. At first the captain just thinks Spason wants his old machete back, but oh boy does he have another thing coming. Clearly the captain did not watch any other Friday the 13th movies, but to be fair, neither have I. He didn’t just want his machete back, he isn’t Danny Trejo (yet…. I expect one day Danny Trejo will be cast to play Jason/Spason). Spason kills the captain in a pretty boring way. What isn’t boring though, is the fact that the ship gets badly damaged and so now the crew are all trapped on a ship with Spason. So while they sort of drone on with the story, Spason electrocutes someone named “crutch” I don’t remember that when I was watching but wikipedia says it. After that some human boards the only escape pod and just fucking leaves her friends. No regrets. Unfortunately for our escapee, no one can escape Spason, except her. She escaped Spason…. By dying in a fuel fire.
Now we get to the most metal scene in the entire movie. An epic fight between spason and a cyborg. get it, metal cause robot and robots are made of metal do you get it? do you get it?You read that correctly. Cy-fucking-borg. This cyborg and spason fight like epic. I cannot describe it to you… just…. Just go see it. Spason loses…. But the movie is not over. You think you can kill him? No. Like the McRib, you cannot kill him… only make him stronger. So was born the legend of uber spason. He will give you a ride at an affordable rate but that ride is to your grave! This time, uber spason just wins. One punch. That is all it takes. The remaining survivors just run, only taking the cyborg’s head and presumably making love to it one more time before they die. One guy blows himself to try to stop uber spason, or more accurately to slow him down. Kinda works. Meanwhile marine guy finds a problem with the other space ship escape pod, because like the movie Contact, there is an identical escape pod on the other end of the ship. The marine has to fix something but I am kind of sober so I don’t remember what it was, but he had to go outside the ship The cliche of “the air tank is threatened” happened, it was really predictable. Weakest part of the film. In order to distract spason, the remaining survivors decide to make a holodeck into a trap and let spason live out his fantasy of murdering people, including beating a fucking camper with another camper!!! But those campers deserved it, they were being immoral and using marijuana and having premarital sex around a demon spason. Spason figures it out and the remaining survivors except marine fly away, marine and spason fight and they end up fighting and incinerating on earth two, which has not really been mentioned much but it is exactly like earth… but in space. Two teens are heard asking what crashed…. The sequel is set… but was never made.
it'd be cool if jason had a camo face mask. like that guy in the Dallas Stars
- Spason's #2
Keep reading for spoilers or don't. I got your click, I don't care. I'll be starting this from memory so you know…
So the movie starts off with this human talking about how Jason (earth Jason) is like unkillable or something and she's arguing with these military guys who want Jason's body for some kind of experiment, I think it had . Anyway this human ends up getting chased by Jason because he escapes. Jason kills the army dudes and then he Chases the woman into like this cryogenic chamber and he stabs her, but like she freezes too when he freezes because he cut through the chamber. So 400 years later they find and Jason. By they I mean this group of space explorers. Think Star trek meets the Marines from alien, but lamer. So anyway they unfreeze human and she tries to warn them about jason but they say that jason is totally dead or whatever so it’s cool (get it…. cool? Cryogenetics. which is cool. like cold. like space. which is cold. ). Anyway Jason unfreeze and brines a woman’s head open by dipping it into liquid nitrogen (i was brining a chicken and my cat drank it and projectile vomited. hes fine and so is the chicken which was delicious), which I guess is pretty metal.
Next these two weirdos who were supposed to be in the area where Jason was being unfrozen (like a bag of peas) and the lights turned blue and marvin Gaye starts singing. Jason fucking stabs one of the two right in the fucking spine. Jason drags him off and he is presumed dead. The lady screams and runs off and Jason doesn’t stab her for some reason.
So anyway there is this shiny headed space marine who reminded me of this bailiff i saw in court with JUDGE GENE WILDER. I don’t remember his name but I will just call him marine. Dude is ripped, he also did some voice work for Dead Space, the guy’s real name is Peter Mensah, but I call him “marine” because he is and a marine. So basically he wants to kill spacon because I guess he is also a psycho? So he gets his team of , robots and Todd to go and fight spacon. So I'll cut to the chase, they all die boring deaths. Like most of them just get stabbed. It's kinda disappointing but I think it's a budget thing. Like no creativity though. I remember in the remake of Friday the 13th (Not to be confused with the movie Friday starring Ice Cube) they were creative like they roasted a girl over a fucking campfire in a sleeping bag. Not in this shit though… just dab dab dab.
The pilot then calls for help and puts out a distress beacon. Then they all meet up and run into a room and the captain stares down spacon. It is pretty metal and you can feel the emotion of mild panic as the captain begs for his life. At first the captain just thinks Spason wants his old machete back, but oh boy does he have another thing coming. Clearly the captain did not watch any other Friday the 13th movies, but to be fair, neither have I. He didn’t just want his machete back, he isn’t Danny Trejo (yet…. I expect one day Danny Trejo will be cast to play Jason/Spason). Spason kills the captain in a pretty boring way. What isn’t boring though, is the fact that the ship gets badly damaged and so now the crew are all trapped on a ship with Spason. So while they sort of drone on with the story, Spason electrocutes someone named “crutch” I don’t remember that when I was watching but wikipedia says it. After that some human boards the only escape pod and just fucking leaves her friends. No regrets. Unfortunately for our escapee, no one can escape Spason, except her. She escaped Spason…. By dying in a fuel fire.
Now we get to the most metal scene in the entire movie. An epic fight between spason and a cyborg. get it, metal cause robot and robots are made of metal do you get it? do you get it?You read that correctly. Cy-fucking-borg. This cyborg and spason fight like epic. I cannot describe it to you… just…. Just go see it. Spason loses…. But the movie is not over. You think you can kill him? No. Like the McRib, you cannot kill him… only make him stronger. So was born the legend of uber spason. He will give you a ride at an affordable rate but that ride is to your grave! This time, uber spason just wins. One punch. That is all it takes. The remaining survivors just run, only taking the cyborg’s head and presumably making love to it one more time before they die. One guy blows himself to try to stop uber spason, or more accurately to slow him down. Kinda works. Meanwhile marine guy finds a problem with the other space ship escape pod, because like the movie Contact, there is an identical escape pod on the other end of the ship. The marine has to fix something but I am kind of sober so I don’t remember what it was, but he had to go outside the ship The cliche of “the air tank is threatened” happened, it was really predictable. Weakest part of the film. In order to distract spason, the remaining survivors decide to make a holodeck into a trap and let spason live out his fantasy of murdering people, including beating a fucking camper with another camper!!! But those campers deserved it, they were being immoral and using marijuana and having premarital sex around a demon spason. Spason figures it out and the remaining survivors except marine fly away, marine and spason fight and they end up fighting and incinerating on earth two, which has not really been mentioned much but it is exactly like earth… but in space. Two teens are heard asking what crashed…. The sequel is set… but was never made.
it'd be cool if jason had a camo face mask. like that guy in the Dallas Stars
- Spason's #2